I think saying it out loud will help. Trigger Warning

Trigger Warning before you read any further this post contains mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts.

I'm an overthinker and the purpose of this blog is help get negative thoughts off of my mind and also just a safe space for me to post about anything I want in peace.

For about 2/3 years I have been severely depressed. I also suffer from severe anxiety and I feel as though each day really is a blessing because I think about dying way too much for it to be healthy or normal. It's not just constant thoughts of me wanting to end my life, but also the fact that I feel as though I'm finished with this life and that the future holds nothing for me except pain and a constant battle to stay alive. The thought of living for people annoys me and yes I'm aware that that is a selfish thought to have, because there are people who care for me but understand it from my perspective. At some point my brain flipped a switch whereby I just decided to give up. As of right now my main coping mechanism is planning my cremation.  I am pretty sure I don't actually want to die but I do know that I do not feel as though I can go on living. Especially when I take the time to think about having to go through the highs and lows of depression in the future. Every episode feels 10x worse than the last and it's debilitating not having anyone around who truly understands my pain or what is happening with me or who are going through their own trauma so they honestly and understandably cannot lend me the support I so desperately need. I'm going to end here because I feel as though I might cry but comment below anyone who feels the same because support and understanding are always appreciated.

Trial & Error.