Alone......?

 I feel as though I am in a perpetual state of NOTHING. I exist but why?, I am alive and breathing but what is my purpose? There was a time where I lived as though I had one even if I didn't know what it was. I had faith that eventually I would be able to figure it out or that it would be revealed to me but it never was and so I started to feel as though I didn't actually have one. But rest not after a bit of research I learned that there are actually quite a few people who live as though they don't have a true purpose because they honestly believe that they don't. It was hard at first but in some ways I guess it was also freeing. 

Now though I'm not sure what to think. I'm at a standstill in my life where I'm not sure what's next. Do I have a purpose?, do I not?, do I have a dream that is truly mine? what the f am I supposed to be doing? Will I ever be able to figure this shit out or am I doomed to be confused for the rest of my natural life? Well let's leave the existential what I am?, where am I headed?, what is my life purpose? questions alone for now because they are all hugely depressing.

Outside of feeling lost and confused I am also slowly realizing that I have no one. Well I have family but I do not fit in with any of them. For all intents and purposes I am the black sheep and after recent discoveries I realize that I cannot actually trust any of them because they are not supportive of me in any way shape and form that counts. What about friendships? lol nope at least I don't see myself having any true friendships minus my one decent online friend who I'll call Sarah. Thank God for Sarah. So alone, lost, confused and conflicted that's where we or me are right now. Oh well.............

Bye for now. Sorry for this depressing update.