Hi Hi

Warning: Mentions of suicidal thoughts and depression.

It's been awhile I'm aware not sure if anyone missed me lol since no one ever comments on these blogs but hey whatever, I started these for my own well being so that's what I'm going to focus on going forward and if these posts connect with anyone then that's just a bonus I guess.

Hello guys, it is I perpetually depressed lol. Seemingly every minute of everyday. Not just depressed but mainly tired; tired of my own bullshit and to some degree trying at times to get somewhere other than this endless hole of despair but being fully aware that I am obviously not succeeding. 

See the problem that I keep encountering is that it's not just a matter of me wanting to no longer be here, it's more so the fact that I feel as though there's nothing else left for me to do so I'm ready to clock out. But am I really or is that just the depression talking? I wonder this also when I'm reevaluating my friendships and relationships because when I'm drowning there's no one around to save me and saving myself seems useless and a waste of time because again what's the point when nothing really matters, when no one seems to care? Right?. 

Nothing really brings me joy. It's all fleeting and temporary and shallow. Quick bursts of energy, or moments of laughter but mainly because of some dumb show or Youtube video rather than from some aspect of my life instead. Thus I always end up asking myself what am I living for if my only bits of happiness come from material or mediocre things? Maybe it's time to don the mask that most people I know use to get by in their day to day life. Would that help? But then what is the end goal there?, just to survive another day, hold on until the weekend so I can sleep, get drunk and try to forget? 

I'm tired and while I might not necessarily want to die, I'm very confused about my reason to continue living. 

Tired.